love in the city - #1 (the introduction)

they say that your chances of success are higher if you look at yourself (and your life) - like you’re the main character of a top selling book or movie. can i be honest? i’ve never NOT looked at my life that way. from bayaguana, to west new york, to wharton, to tulsa, to new York city - i’ve always been “divanna” - i’ve always been successful…i even took up “divs” as a nickname to avoid the energy surrounding “diva” in my name because i already believed in myself enough to have other people saying “diva” every time they called out to me - it felt like overkill.

i guess what i am trying to say, is that i am used to success.

i am used to setting a goal, and accomplishing it. no matter how big, no matter how long, i get it done.

but at 33, (my jesus year!) i am exhausted. it seems like the more i embody this belief, and the more that i exist in my truth, the more that my interpersonal relationships suffer. why is is that people are attracted to me (not only in the romantic sense!), but they never stay!? why is it that i can’t be true to myself? if i truly existed as the most authentic- creative - artistic version of myself… i fear it would be worse.

i think i am the problem. actually, i KNOW i am the problem. the more that i learn about human psychology, the more i understand that misery loves company: in family, in romance, and especially in friendship. i don’t allow myself to wallow in misery. i don’t allow myself to think less of myself. but if the solution is believing less in myself, i don’t think i want to fix it - or, do i? i don’t know yet.

i am going to commit to journaling out loud…i’ve journaled very quietly almost every day of my life. i’ve never cared about bringing other people into it - but now i do. i want to find my tribe. i want to believe that there are some people that won’t be around for a season.

i’m calling this series “love in the city” - because at the end of the day interpersonal relationships are about love with others (intrapersonal is the relationship with yourself, and again, for me, that’s solid AF). hopefully one day this series will end with the best partners in crime a girl could ask for - ultimately wishing for a baddie girly to match vibes with, a gay bestie to be fabulous with, and most importantly a lover/baby daddy to do life with. thank you for reading, welcome to love in the city.