from me to me, in preparation for what ill never say to you

31 years old is TOO old for you to have your first crush. its embarrassing. its debilitating. it makes no sense. but be kind to yourself! you know you have been married to your career since you were 9 - its been one hell of a marriage - successful in layman’s terms. what else could you do? this was your duty! (so you were told)

…my duty meant that everything else came second. even my own emotions. even my own reality. but i was love, and joy, and laughter, and dance. and no one could take that away from me!! …until they did, so that was that. what else could you do? wtf even is duty!!

so we started to learn. again and again; in pursuit of a life that felt less tragic, one where you would be able to love in the ways you dreamed….we learned discernment. we learned peace. we learned contentment. we learned abundance. we learned resentment. we learned grief. we learned pain. we learned disappointment. we learned anger. we learned discipline. we learned consistency. we learned love.

i told people about you. for the first time ever, i shared that joy and excitement with the ones my discernment told me was safe. but i messed it up. my discipline got in the way of being the soft woman that i now see you need. i am sorry for not meeting you where you met me….and vice versa, please one day i hope you recognize the missed potential here, it takes two to tango.

i tried though, i really did - to tell you my story, to be authentic, to build conversation and then trust… but you would run away from me, i get it, because my fears made me run away first, that must have stung - regardless, tit for tat is not a good start to anything. and when i looked even deeper i realized you would also run to different arms, when i so desperately yearned for the handshake to turn into a hug. i so desperately wanted to run into your arms; i envisioned you with them wide open. for the record i really really tried, i saw a vision, more than ever. i just don’t know how to be better yet, i need practice is all. i need a situation that can offer me home and adventure; one that latches on and never lets go. im ok with where im at, im proud im even trying.

we might hurt in the same ways; it reminds me of the poem about their faces being blue, but them not realizing it because of their masks…i cant look at you anymore…not because i don’t care, i do. but because i am embarrassed. when our eyes meet i think back to, and instantly FEEL - the emotions of a failed dream, and the heavy weight that my expectations hold on us. my body cant take it. its too much.

and on the other hand, i know myself. i am well aware of my shortcomings. i wouldn’t let you try to meet said expectations now - they rise exponentially, you could never run fast enough. needless to say, i finally get the sentiment of “the one who got away”…until i wont! my baby daddy, solider of love, partner in crime, personal chef, and adventure buddy will one day find me. it is our duty.